Every person is born with one. It’s a little mark - a little picture - found somewhere on the body. They call them tattoos, for the marks always appear so delicate and precise, as if someone had taken the time to ink each pattern into the person’s skin. Each tattoo is completely unique to the person, similar to a fingerprint. The origin of these tattoos are unknown; many have tried but none were able unlock its secrets.
Fate had chosen to mark me with a black rose, found on my left forearm. I've been fascinated by my tattoo for as long as I can remember, and I often catch myself absentmindedly tracing the winding stem up towards the bloom of black petals.
However, a person is not limited to only one tattoo. My mother’s tattoo is a shimmering raindrop resting upon a leaf, the exact same as my father’s. Many years ago, before having known the story of birth tattoos, I did not think much of it. Only after my first grade teacher began teaching us about the origin of the mysterious marks did I start to think and ask questions.
Why do my parents share the same tattoo? Upon returning home from school that day, I decided to question my mother right away. As I opened the front door and stepped in, the fresh scent of apples and cinnamon that wafted through the air told me that I would find her in the kitchen. I left my bag and shoes by the door, I headed straight towards the kitchen, wanting an answer to my question as soon as possible.
“Oh, Yua, you’re home! how was school today?” asked my mother as she leaned down to kiss my forehead.
“Good.” I replied, eager ask about her tattoo.
“Hm. That’s good.” my mother hummed, and returned to the stove.
“Mommy, my teacher taught us about the mark today. She said that no one else in the entire world can have the same tattoo as another person.” My eyes fell upon the tattoo on the back of my mother’s hand.
“Why is your tattoo and daddy’s tattoo the same? Nobody can have the same tattoo as someone else.”
“Ah, this? This is a special case.” Mother smiled at my confusion.
As I watched her cook over the stove, she began to explain the puzzling phenomenon. A tattoo is not restricted to only one person. Mother told me that if I form a strong emotional bond with another person, their tattoo will find a way onto my skin. Often, the two tattoos will form a single tattoo together.
“Before I met your father, my mark was just the raindrop. Your father’s was a leaf. Since we created the bond, our tattoos were shared.” I stared down at the smooth ceramic tiles beneath my feet, slowly beginning to understand this new concept.
Mother turned and held a spoon out to me, it was coated in batter.
“Want to lick the spoon?”
“Mhm.”
I took the spoon and made my way to the living room, pondering what I had learned.
I am now 27 years old. Many years have passed since the day I had that conversation with my mother. My cold fingertips trace the stem of the rose once again, outlining each petal. Just behind the rose, there is now an image of a raven. It looks so graceful, with its head facing the sky, I could imagine the beating of its wings as it soared higher towards the clouds. My eyes follow the spread of its wings and I admire the delicate pattern of the feathers. I cannot remember how many times I've done this, compulsively touching the mark of the bird, tracing the feathers, following the outline…
Snapping out of my dazed state, I shake my head to wake myself up. I glance over to the clock hanging on the wall opposite to me. 7:30pm. Time to start heading to the pool. I need to clear my head. Grabbing my bag of swimming gear, I hastily make my way towards the door and shove my feet into my sneakers. After stepping outside, I swing the door closed, nearly forgetting to lock it. I curse under my breath as I fumble for the keys, searching through the seemingly endless pit in my bag, dodging the shampoo bottles, plastic bags, towels, and goggles. It sounds as though they’re teasing me as they jingle in some unknown corner. My fingers finally come into contact with the cool metal and I quickly fish it out. The lock clicks into place and I set off at a brisk pace.
It had been raining until only recently. The sky overhead is now a dark blue, with only a few wispy clouds streaked across its surface. The rumbling of distant traffic mingles with the whisper of wind through the trees. I welcome the crisp autumn air, filling my lungs breath after breath with the musty scent of leaves and rain. My bag hangs heavily on my shoulders as I make my way towards the aquatic center, the crunching of leaves filling my ears with each step. Going to the aquatic center has become a routine part of my life. The walk there is now so natural that I barely have to think about where I’m going. I let my mind wander as my feet instinctively take me to my second home.
Upon reaching my destination, I swing open the door and step inside, grateful to feel warm air on my numb cheeks. The receptionist looks up from the desk and grins as she recognizes me. Her dark chocolate hair is tied up in a ponytail, exposing a tattoo of a comet behind her ear.
“Hey, Yua!” she greets me as she glances at her watch.
“Tsk tsk, look at that, you’re two minutes late.” she fakes disappointment as she thrusts her wrist in front of my face. The dial read 7:42.
“Its only two minutes.” I say. A slight smile ghosts my lips. “And stop memorizing my schedule. It’s creepy, Riyu.” I add as I scan my pass.
I met Riyu about a year ago when she first started working at the aquatic center. Seeming bored and lonely, I decided to introduce myself and make small talk. We gradually became friends through my regular visits.
Riyu laughs. “Yeah, whatever. Have fun in the pool, and keep an eye on the clock!” she raises an eyebrow “I don’t want to lock you in again.” she says
I start down the hall towards the locker room. “It’s your fault for not checking before locking up!” I say as I turn the corner.
“I shouldn’t need to check ‘cause no one’s crazy enough to stay past closing time!” I hear her retort echo down the hall as I enter the locker room.
I head towards my usual locker located in the farthest corner of the change room. My bag drops onto a bench with a heavy thud and I waste no time in stripping off my hoodie and sweatpants, tossing them carelessly into the locker. I slip into my swimsuit and put my goggles around my neck. Finally, I gather my hair and pull it back into a ponytail. The feathery ends of my hair tickles my back.
Once all my belongings were locked up, I begin to make my way to the pool. The sound of my feet slapping against the wet tiles echo around the change room. The splashing of water gradually grows louder and the smell of chlorine becomes stronger.
Turning the corner, I entered the pool area. The pool is rather large and can accommodate a good number of people. Since I visit near closing time, I never have to deal with the crowds of people that come during the afternoon. The pool stretches from one end of the room to the other and has the traditional deep and shallow end. The ceiling arches high overhead, most of it is made of glass so that more natural light can be let in. By now, the sun has disappeared and the glass panes display nothing more than an inky black sky. The only source of light left belonged to the electric lights affixed to the walls and in the pool. A hot tub bubbles quietly in the corner. Scanning the area, I notice that it seems to be especially empty tonight; only two people in the shallow end and three in the lanes.
I make my way to the starting block and climb on top of it, staggering my feet. I pull my goggles over my eyes before bending down and curling my fingers over the edge of the block. I stare down into the rippling expanse of water and steady my breath before pushing off and diving in.
This raven had found its way onto my skin only a few years ago. It belongs to a young man I met at the pool a few years back. I was fascinated by the way he seemed to effortlessly move through the water, as if he could command and control its every splash, ripple, and current. Captivated by his swimming ability, I inched closer to the edge of the pool and sat beside his lane to get a better look, dangling my legs in the water. The pool was somewhat cold that day, and it sent goosebumps prickling along my skin. The constant sound of splashing water had faded into the background as I absentmindedly let my legs drift back and forth in the pool, creating small ripples that rolled across its surface. I was gently shaken from my self induced stupor by the mysterious man who had reached the wall beside me. The impact of his body created a current that swirled around my legs. Without hesitation, without pausing for even the slightest of breaths, he took off again, pushing off the wall and cutting through the water like an arrow piercing through the air.
The water swirls around my body as I propel myself forward. Memories of the past are slowly emerging, being brought back to life in the splashing water.
He switched to the butterfly stroke. Unlike the insect for which the stroke was named after, he swam powerfully. He exploded out of the water, arms extending outwards before plunging downwards. The butterfly stroke has a reputation of being a very difficult swimming style, but this man was able to pull it off so well. He really looked like he was flying.
He reached the opposite wall and entered the turn. He pushed off with so much force, I was surprised he didn’t make it back to the starting wall with just that. Even from such a distance, I could tell that his dolphin kick was very fluid and very solid. As he began making his way back towards my end of the pool, I was able to watch him from the front. I could barely catch a glimpse his face as the swim cap, goggles and the splashing of water obscured most of his features whenever he came up for a breath.
The mysterious swimmer had closed the gap in what seemed like only a few heartbeats and was soon standing at the end of the pool. As the man removed his goggles and cap, I lowered my head and and tried to inconspicuously observe the swimmer through the dark curtain of my fringe. He’s well built; clearly swims or exercises often. His ashy brown hair was slightly damp and long enough to cover his eyes. His mouth hung slightly open as he tried to regain his breath.
He brought his hand out of the water and nonchalantly brushed the wet hair out of his eyes before suddenly turning sideways and looking pointedly at me. I was surprised by the intensity of his gaze. The fiery green eyes held mine for a split second before I quickly shifted my gaze to the rippling water of the pool.
I reach the other end of the pool and prepare for the turn. Planting my feet flat against the wall, I push off with as much strength as I could muster, as if I could escape the vivid image of those green eyes and leave them in the water behind me.
“There’s a lot of pressure to do well when you’re watching me like that, you know.”
Startled, I lifted my head to see the swimmer with his arms hanging over the divider of our lanes. The first thing I noticed was that the intense fire from earlier had disappeared and was replaced with a playful sparkle in his eyes. The second thing I noticed was the tattoo of a raven that stretched from the top of his collarbone to the middle of his chest.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” I said
The man flashed a grin “Don’t worry about it! You only motivated me to swim better.” He ran a hand through his hair again.
I offered a small smile “Your butterfly stroke was quite impressive. I’ve been swimming for years and I still can’t get the hang of it.”
“Well, different people are built for different styles. Butterfly happens to be my specialty.” he replied. Grinning, he added “I could give you some tips if you’d like.”
Not wanting to turn down his kind offer, I quickly agreed and slid into the water.
“Oh, by the way, my name is Yua. Nice to meet you.” I said.
“Ah, sorry for not introducing myself earlier.” He scratched the back of his neck apologetically
“My name is…”
My hands slam against the wall and my memories are abruptly cut off. I am shaken back to reality with my muscles burning and lungs begging for air. I bring my arms up to rest on the edge of the pool. The ceramic is cool against my skin as I take deep inhales of much needed oxygen, trying to regain control of my breath. I remove the goggles and place them by my elbow with a quiet clink. Water runs down my face and I absentmindedly swipe it away from my nose and mouth. I’m vaguely aware of the fact that I just swam the butterfly stroke without so much as a falter. I realize that had not thought of which stroke I would be swimming before diving in, but it seems that my subconscious had decided on the butterfly. The splashing of other swimmers sound like distant echoes as I close my eyes. Green fire burns behind my eyelids as I allow myself relive the past once more.
“My name is Jakan.”
The rest of my swim is uneventful, as usual. Images and sounds of past experiences mix with the haze of bubbles and water, blurring together like a dream. As I am resting from a lap of freestyle, I spot Riyu approaching me.
“Oi, the crazy swimmer over there!” she calls “It’s almost closing time. Get outta here quick, I want to go home already.”
I pull myself out of the pool, feeling heavy after being in water for so long.
“Yeah, yeah. I was just getting ready to leave.” I say as I remove the goggles from my head. Riyu scoffs “Sure you were.”
I make my way back to the change rooms with Riyu trailing behind me. It seems that she’s rambling about something but I don’t have the energy to comprehend what she’s saying. I complete my regular clean up routine and twirl my damp hair into a bun.
“C’mon Yua, hurry up.” I hear her complain from the other side of the stall.
I haul my bag over my shoulder and exit the stall “Alright, I’m done. Let’s go.”
We step out of the building into the chilly night air. It’s quiet, save the low hum of street lights and the occasional rumbling of a passing car. Stars twinkle overhead as we walk home. Riyu begins another long ramble, her breath condensing into white puffs. Not long after, we go our separate ways at our usual corner, waving goodbye.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at approximately 7:40pm!” Riyu calls from the other side of the street. I scoff and wave back, watching as she disappears down the street. Hastily, I make my way back to my house, not wanting to be out in the cold any longer.
I sigh with relief as I walk through the doorway, shutting the door behind me and dumping my bag on the floor. I turn to the kitchen, hungry after my workout. I scavenge my cupboards for something to eat and settle for a bowl of soup. I bring the steaming bowl to my bedroom and I turn on the lamp by my bed. I am greeted by the sight of my room, illuminated by the warm yellow glow. My room is quite cozy, not too big nor too small. The walls are painted a soft lilac with decorative posters plastered upon it. My bed is pushed up against the left wall with a dresser at the foot of it, and at the right wall stands my desk and bookshelf. A large window lets in plenty of natural light during sunny days and I often find myself staring outside, lost in thought.
I place the bowl on my desk and slide into the chair. After a couple sips of soup, I think back to my experience at the pool. The images were so vivid, the sounds were so clear, it was as if time had rewinded and I was reliving the past. I shake my head, not wanting to fall back into the void of memories. I decide that some light reading would be a good way to take my mind off of things and I reach for the bookshelf, picking up a random novel. Flipping through the pages, I notice something flutter from the book, landing on the floor beside me. It looks like a square piece of paper. I lean down to pick it up and flip it around to the other side. I am greeted by a picture of myself and Jakan. I have my arms thrown his shoulders, hugging him from behind. I notice that we’re wearing swimsuits. Jakan’s tattoo, the raven, and my rose contrasts sharply with his pale skin. A lake can be seen in the distance, along with a lush forest and a clear sky. Our hair sparkled with droplets of water. Jakan’s eyes are crinkled with the corners of his lips pulled back in a wide grin. I have my head settled on his shoulder, and with a pang, I realize that I cannot remember the last time I smiled so brightly. I lower my eyes and see the date written neatly in the corner. June 30, 2009. Six years ago.
“Hey Yua, do you want to travel sometime?” a sleepy voice floated through the air. I looked over to Jakan who was sprawled out on the couch. He had moved in recently and we were slowly adjusting to living together. He usually slept on the sofa since we hadn’t found the time or space to buy another bed. I was sitting on the floor beside the sofa, enjoying a cup of tea as I watched the sun set through the window.
“Hm, I suppose we could.” I answer “But we can’t go far. We’re still in college so we don’t have that kind of money.”
Jakan stretched lazily “But I want to take my girlfriend to a nice place.” he whined
Silence hung in the air for a few minutes before Jakan spoke again.
“How about a road trip? There are some nice sightseeing locations near here.” he offered. I finished the last of my tea and placed the cup beside me. “Yeah, that sounds good. Where do you plan to go?” Jakan rolled over to retrieve his laptop from the coffee table. “Let’s see…”
After several days of planning, we decided to visit a lake just a couple hours’ drive from the city. We stayed in a cabin by the lake, and enjoyed life away from the stress of our urban lifestyles. We stayed there for three days. Every morning we would get up, eat breakfast, and soon after, be down in the lake. We could swim for hours in the clear water.
On the last day of our trip, we were sitting atop a grassy hill that overlooked the lake. The sun was setting, and it painted the sky with streaks of red, orange, and gold. The lake was calm and, like a mirror, reflected the sky with all its colours. We sat out there and talked until the sun had disappeared completely under the horizon.
“Hey Yua? I have something I think you’d like.” Jakan said. I turned to look at him curiously. Jakan took my hand and placed something in the middle of my palm. As his hand retreated, I could see a smooth black stone now rested in my hand.
“I found it at the bottom of the lake earlier.” Jakan explained “Since you like to collect trinkets, I thought you would like it.”
Stars began to emerge over head as the sky darkened into a navy blue. Jakan took the stone and held it in front of us. “Also, if you look closely…” he muttered as he rocked the stone back and forth between his fingers “You can see little sparkles. It looks like a starry sky, don’t you think?”
He was right. As Jakan turned the stone around in his fingers, the stone sparkled as if it had millions of little stars trapped inside.
“It looks just like the stars in the sky right now.” I whispered “Thank you.”
After that, we laid down in the grass to watch as the rest of the stars made their appearance in the dark sky. Neither of us spoke, we simply breathed in the fresh scent of grass and listened to the wind as it fluttered through the trees. Unblinking, I stared up into the starry heavens and hugged the stone to my heart.
The monotonous ticking of the clock echoes through the room as I carefully slip the photo back into the book. I return the novel to the bookshelf, my will to read has been smothered and put out. My fingers have become icy cold and I clench my hands into a fist in an attempt to warm them up. Unconsciously, my gaze travels up the bookshelf before resting on a small red box at the top. Even if I stand on my toes, I cannot reach it. I had placed it there with the intention of never opening it again. But now, as it stare at it, I get the slightest urge to retrieve the box; to open it once more and release the memories I’ve kept locked up for so long.
Against my better judgement, I drag my desk chair over to the bookshelf and climb on top of it. My fingers grasp the small box and I carefully step down from the chair, cradling it to my chest.
The box is not large; it's small enough to fit in my hand. The velvety exterior is coated in a layer of dust and I quickly brush it away with my hand. I hesitate for a heartbeat before opening the box. Lifting the lid, I reveal a smooth black stone. I remove the stone and hold it between my fingers. It glitters brightly despite the dim light of the room. It is as if I am holding a piece of the night sky in my hands. My fingers slide over the smooth surface of the stone as i turn it over, revealing a large crack. I place the stone on my desk as I recall the day the universe within this stone was torn in two.
I was sitting by the window in my room as I watched the snowflakes flutter down from the sky. It was not yet evening, however, I was able to see that daylight was already beginning to fade. I pulled my blanket tighter around me as I settled deeper into the armchair, book in hand. The house was quiet, except for the occasional rustle of pages as they were being turned.
I looked to the darkening sky again, and wondered when Jakan would return from swim training. I worried for his health, since he insisted on swimming daily, even in the freezing weather. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and the familiar call of “Yua, I’m back.”
I uncurled myself from the chair and made my way towards the sound of his voice. I found Jakan at the front door as he was removing his winter coat and gloves. His face was slightly pink and his lips were pale due to the cold. A black tuque covered his head with a few clumps of brown hair sticking out. I helped him put away his winter clothing before going to the kitchen to heat up a small pot of soup. The living room and kitchen were not separated by a wall, so Jakan flopped onto a couch by the kitchen and began telling me the results of his training that day.
After Jakan finished his report, silence hung in the air for a few moments. The only sound that could be heard was the clinking of the spoon as I stirred the soup. We had graduated college a few months ago and I was lucky enough to have found a job already. I worked a typical office job and spent most of my time in front of a computer. I was still getting used to working and had not found much time for swimming. Jakan, however, was dedicating most of his time to swimming and training; always trying to improve his time. I had known that his long term goal is to be able to compete on the national level, but to me, that is a dream that could never be achieved. I had mentioned this worry of mine to him several times before, but every time he would brush it off, promising that it’s not impossible and that he would make it soon.
Soon. When is ‘soon’? Tomorrow? Two months from now? Ten years? Even if he managed to secure a job as a professional athlete, how long would be be able to hold on it?
I decide to voice my concerns again as placed the spoon on the counter.
I turned to face him.
“Jakan, I was thinking that you should start looking for a job,” I began “You can’t put it off forever.”Silence greeted my words until I heard him shift around on the couch.
“But I am. I’m training and working hard. My coach said that I have potential.” his voice was stiff “I know I’m using your money to pay for the training but once my athletic career takes off, I’ll be able to pay you back and and earn enough to support both of us.”
I gave an exasperated sigh “Jakan, don’t you understand? Your goal is just a far-off dream. It’s not practical to pursue such a career.” I gripped the edge of the counter, its surface was cool against my skin.
“But it’s what I want to do. I’ve wanted this since I was a little kid, it has been my dream for years. I’m so close now... I’m almost there, so please just wait a little longer.” He had sat up to look at me with pleading eyes and his voice held the slightest ring of desperation.
I tried to reason with him “Jakan, look. I found a stable job with a stable income, and I'm happy. Why can’t you do the same? Even if you do manage to become a professional athlete, how long would it last? Athletic careers are short lived and unstable.”
The wall that had barricaded my thoughts within my mind had collapsed.
“What will you so when you quit competing?”
I can’t stop flood of worries as they spilled from my lips.
“What if you get injured while training? You'll be-”
“Yua!”
I was cut short by Jakan who had stood up rather forcefully and knocked into a small table by the couch. Two framed photos clattered to the floor.The stone which had been resting peacefully among the photos, followed a moment later and landed on the tiled floor with a sharp crash. I winced at the sound.
I looked up to see Jakan, unfazed by the commotion by his feet. The gentle pleading in his eyes was replaced by green fire. He turned and paced around the living room
“What if I don’t want to be like you, huh? What if I don’t want to spend my days stuck in an office, in front of a computer? I’m not like you. I’m not content as a caged bird.” Jakan’s voice was full of venom, dripping with frustration and hostility. I was taken aback. We’ve had our fair share of arguments in the past but Jakan had never reacted in such a way before. I was at a loss as to what I should say.
“You’re always telling me the same thing, pushing your beliefs onto me.” He stopped pacing turned to glare at me. It felt as though he were burning a hole in my chest.
“Have you ever stopped and thought, even for a moment, about how I feel?” My throat became dry and my fingers were as cold as the snow outside. Behind the flames of his fury, I could see that his eyes also held pain, a pain that ran deep through his very being. I lowered my eyes to the floor, gaze travelling restlessly over the broken glass and wooden frames. The deafening silence was eventually broken by Jakan. He stepped over the mess and pushed by me, heading towards the front entrance. I turned to see him gathering his jacket and gloves.
“Where are you going?” my voice was hoarse
“Out.” he replied flatly
I did not attempt to stop him as he stepped outside and slammed the door behind him. I remained standing in the hallway, my mind reeled from what had just happened. I brought a hand to the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes, only vaguely aware of the howling wind and the smell of burning soup in the kitchen.
Jakan returned three days later. The way he spoke was short and curt, as if we were complete strangers. It was then that Jakan told me that he had decided to move out.
“I want to achieve my dream, but I’ve realized that I can’t do it with you.” he told me “I really thought you would come to understand. You know how I feel about swimming. As a fellow swimmer I thought you would be able to understand me.” he looked off to the side “I’ll go pack my things.”
My heart dropped. Two days after that, he finished packing and was on his way out the door. No words were exchanged except for a simple “Bye.”
Even after several months had passed, the raven remained inscribed on my forearm, it hadn’t faded at all. I thought it was cruel, to have his tattoo remain on my arm. Everytime I saw the spread of its wings or the delicate pattern of its feathers, I would be reminded of the painful memories that clung to the tattoo. The sorrow that I felt for months after Jakan left was like a dull ache. It all just seemed like a bad dream. Just over a year after the incident, I saw him on television with a silver medal around his neck. Until then, I had not I felt the true pain of reality.
What hurt me the most was the fact that my rose had disappeared completely from his skin. The only thing left was the image of the raven, as bold and as strong as ever. As I watched the screen, it felt like I was being stabbed over and over again in the chest. But even after countless stabs, countless days later, the raven’s mark refused to fade.
I run my finger over the crack in my universe, feeling the rough edges against my skin. Even though it has split down the middle, the stone still looks as beautiful as the day it was given to me. I carry the stone with me to bed, and settle into the comfort of my blankets and pillows. The clock on my bedside table reads 12:03am. Time to sleep, I have work tomorrow. I click off the lamp and burrow deeper into the blanket, the stone still in my hand. My eyelids are heavy and my body is drained of energy, but my mind is still wide awake.
Even now, I still ask myself the same question. Did I do the right thing? Maybe I shouldn’t have doubted him. Should I have chased after him on that winter day? Should I have stopped him from moving out? Did it really have to end that way? The stone weighs heavily in my palm, just as my heart weighs heavily in my chest.
I turn my head to gaze out the window. The sky is clear, glittering with millions of stars. Even though Jakan is no longer by my side, I can feel some sort of comfort knowing that we are under the same sky. Unblinking, I stare up into the starry heavens and hug the stone to my heart.
Jakan, although our paths have separated, you will remain marked on my skin, etched in my memory, and tattooed on my heart.
